Firepower: Forgiveness
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Firepower: Forgiveness
Phil Connor
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Last month, we celebrated the birth of our country. Our wonderful, blessed, messed up country. If we believe what we read in the media, it’s a wonder our country can even survive, let alone thrive. Certainly, we have our challenges, but there’s also a lot we do well. In my work, I interact with a lot of people who either live abroad or grew up in another country, and I’m often stunned at the perception of our country through the lens of the global community. Most conversations end well with us laughing that no one is perfect and certainly not the politicians we ask to represent us, no matter what country we live in. Whether it be meddling in one nation’s politics or disregarding another nation’s needs, all I often can do is ask for their forgiveness. The concept of forgiveness has been on my mind lately. In my readings, I have discovered that forgiveness is complex with sometimes significant emotional, psychological, and even physical elements for both the one who is forgiven and the person who forgives.
Forgiveness is complex with sometimes significant emotional, psychological, and even physical elements for both the one who is forgiven and the person who forgives.
There’s a great song by musician Matthew West called “Forgiveness.” The lyrics were inspired by the true story of a woman named Renee. Renee lost her teenage daughter when a 24-year-old man, named Eric, struck the car she was in as a result of his drunk driving. Despite the death of her daughter and her daughter’s friend also being in the car, Renee eventually saw it in her heart to forgive Eric. I understand how Matthew would be inspired to write a song about this powerful story. Forgiveness is difficult, but this mother really is amazing. In the lyrics of Matthew’s song, he writes that forgiveness can be the “hardest thing to give away” and later says it “always goes to those who don’t deserve.” West’s lyrics also reference a quote by Lewis Smedes, author of Forgive & Forget, who wrote that the prisoner freed by forgiveness is often us when we forgive others. The amazing aspect of forgiveness is that it often helps the forgiver as much as it does the forgiven. Even knowing this, forgiveness is hard. The act of holding onto the grudge or disappointment and putting it in a box can seem more comfortable than the act of telling someone we forgive them, but harboring grudges can create long-term ill effects.
The amazing aspect of forgiveness is that it often helps the forgiver as much as it does the forgiven.
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When we are forgiven of the wrongdoing we committed, we can receive psychological benefits. When we fail to forgive, we can suffer from poor mental health, anxiety, and depression. Forgiving others promotes a more positive mood and sense of well-being, knowing when we don’t need to hold onto the guilt or shame. We can repair relationships by breaking the chain of grudge-holding. Both parties can move forward with better communication and a stronger sense of connection. In the story above, when Renee forgave Eric, he was shaken. Eric could not forgive himself for being so reckless. Renee went further asking the courts to reduce Eric’s 22-year sentence to 11 years so that his life also would not be lost as a result of that fateful night. Renee and Eric now provide talks to young people across the country on the dangers of drunk driving and the power of forgiveness. It may be worth taking a moment and reflecting on who could use our forgiveness.
Think about the toll that stress and negative emotions weigh on our bodies. Studies have shown that added stress results in higher blood pressure and weakened immune systems. By reducing that stress, we can add years to our life. Forgiveness can be a gift that comes back to us when we make a conscious decision to let go of resentment or anger toward someone. The Mayo Clinic’s website states that when we forgive others, we can experience less anxiety, fewer symptoms of depression, a stronger immune system, better heart health, and improved self-esteem. Sounds like a great idea! So why don’t we forgive people more often?
When we forgive others, we can experience less anxiety, fewer symptoms of depression, a stronger immune system, improved heart health, and improved self-esteem.
The reality is that being hurt by someone—especially someone we love and trust—can cause anger, sadness, and confusion. It plain stinks. Often, we may be worried that if we confront the person who hurt us with forgiveness, we will have to relive the feelings that caused us pain in the first place. But holding onto those negative feelings will result in us experiencing bitterness. Although some of us are naturally more forgiving, even if we tend to hold a grudge, we can learn to be more forgiving. Forgiveness requires a decision to change even if the person we are forgiving won’t change. Forgiveness takes practice and focus.
The first step is to realize the benefits of forgiving someone and how it can improve our lives. It may require that we get assistance from a mentor, counselor, or other form of support network. Acknowledging the emotions we possess and how they affect our behavior is progress toward releasing them. Finally, we can realize the control and power we have given the offending person by holding the grudge. By releasing them with forgiveness, we lift a large burden from our own shoulders. Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation with other people. It also does not mean we condone their behavior. What it does mean is that we can have closure and move forward.
The first step is to realize the benefits of forgiving someone, and how it can improve our lives.
Let’s all resolve in the weeks ahead that we will work to be more forgiving. Like my colleagues from around the globe, who forgive my country for sometimes acting foolishly, we can find the good in forgiving others. Like Renee and Eric mentioned above, we can work together to heal each other’s wounds.
Thanks for reading—and have a prosperous month ahead!
Phil Connor
Phil is always working with his team at Ignition Labratory to find new ways to spread the fire. If you found Phil's column impactful, or if you'd like to have him speak at an upcoming event, contact him at phil.connor@live.com.
